One day, I was hanging out with with my best friend David, as one does when you are best friends. We were admiring his shelves full of Hasbro‘s G.I. Joe Classified figures and reminiscing about the past. We both loved the original smaller figures as kids. We’re both really big fans of all aspects of the franchise, the cartoon, the figures, and the comics. Most of my collection of the figures, I owe to him getting me them as gifts.
I had the idea that we should collaborate on a crossover of sorts. We should each do a blog post highlighting characters that we think Hasbro should make into new figures. I already had a head start on mine. I had picked out the figures I wanted to highlight, discussed why, AND even downloaded pictures. Then I proceeded to not write any of it down.
David patiently waited (a thing BOTH he and my wife often do) for me to actually do the thing I suggested WE should do. He waits, and waits, and waits, and then gives up, posting his side. Go read it now, it’s very good and he has some great choices I didn’t even think of!
O.K., back? He effectively kicked me in the butt to get me to move my ass. Except I just said “ow” and went back to putting it off a while longer for no reason at all. Finally, here we are. Way after he posted his and after probably drove him out of his mind waiting. He is still there, being a great friend and still pushing me to be a better person. I should listen to him and my wife more, it always turns out to be fun.
So without further ado, here we go!
The Battle #1
Airtight: Hostile Environment Specialist
So I kinda themed these choices with a Joe and a Cobra figure to combat them. This guy, Airtight, in addition to being a cool looking “bright” colored Joe was one I played with a lot as a kid. I liked his facemask and the fact that he could survive in the post apocalyptic environments that Cobra would cook up. He’s the Hostile Environment specialist, Kurt Schnurr, not the coolest name, but still… He was the Joe that could hold his breath the longest.
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Toxo Viper: Hostile Environment Trooper
Another “bright” figure, but I think it kinda works because you’d want to see these guys in all the toxic fumes they have to fight through. These guys were meant to create the toxic environments that Airtight is supposed to prevent, so they’re a natural fit. I always loved how wide this guy’s helmet was. It’s got an iconic look that made it stand out.
The Battle #2
Dawn Moreno: ummm Ninja I guess
Dawn Moreno, no codename (why not just “Dawn”), is interesting. She was originally part of Cobra and brainwashed into being a soldier from them after being a citizen of Springfield. During her time in the Brain Wave Machine the memories of the, then dead, soldier Snake Eyes were inserted into her memories by mistake. This led Snake Eyes inherent goodness to override her programming turning her into a Joe with all of his memories and skills. I thought the story was so wild, she was cool to me.
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Battle Armor Cobra Commander (v3):…Commander, it’s in the name
Technically this is still on theme as this isn’t the “real” Cobra Commander either. Originally the character in this armor, for most of the comic book’s “Cobra Civil War” arc was “Fred VII” one of the Crimson Guards who stepped up and took the place of Cobra Commander when he was thought dead. Later when the original returned “Fred” was buried alive in a storage container under Cobra Island with all the others who betrayed Cobra.
The Battle #3
Timothy P. Hanrahan, another “bright” Joe, I seem to like them a lot, don’t I? I think that’s because they’ve made most of the ones I like that aren’t. Anway, Blowtorch has always been a favorite because of those fire safety PSA’s and the comedic versions that came afterwards. Plus he has that freaking cool gas mask that he comes with and it was plastic so it fit easily.
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H.E.A.T. Viper: High Explosive Anti-Tank Trooper
Yeah yeah, so technically he’s better suited for Bazooka as he’s a Bazooka trooper, but that figures already made and I always used this guy as a flamethrower anyway. I mean, the guy has HEAT in his name, screw what the anagram means, I’ll go with Hot Environment Anti-Terrain Viper or something like that. He makes places hard to get through because of the heat. There! He looks cool! Alright! Sue me!
The Battle #4
Joseph Felton is a L.R.R.P., no not LARP, Long Range Recon Patrol, another acronym. He goes where other Joes can’t. Usually way out in enemy territory. I always liked that about him and Outback so that’s why I chose this guy. Plus I like his hat and too cool for school shades daddy-o. Check out those bright blue guns. Plus that two gun thing. How cool is that!?
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Rock-Viper: Cobra Mountain Trooper
I always liked this guy’s unique helmet and the fact that he came with a rope. His camo would blend in well on rocks and sand too, so that was cool to play with. However, I always wondered something…”Was the moustache part of the uniform that all Rock-Vipers had to have or was it just this one guy that had it?” Considering the way the cartoon stuck to the toy designs I’m thinking they all had it.
The Battle #5
I was never a Torpedo guy, even though I had the figure. I always had to play with Wet-Suit whenever I got a chance to play in the bathtub with toys. He was AWESOME. I loved the tubes that came out of his mask. His little dive helper machine, I’m not technical so I don’t know the name, but it’s cool, ok!? I just loved everything about Brian Forrest, Wet-Suit.
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Undertow: Iron Grenadier Frogman
So I was originally going to go with the Hydro-Viper because I always thought he was cool, too. Undertow’s mask and accessories are too cool to pass up, though. I mean, c’mon, the guy comes with a pet Barracuda! Does Destro train and supply every diver with a Barracuda? Dude was crazy, so I’m saying “YES Absolutely!”
And that pretty much does it. I had some “also-rans” and runner-ups but let’s save those for another day.
Go follow my friend David’s Patreon, Bluesky, and don’t forget to comment on his G.I.Joe Post as well! He’s an awesome guy and if you do maybe I’ll end up posting more often! We’re planning on collaborating more!
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